Tuesday, 30 June 2009

  • Why I do what i do.

    (WARNING: this will be as simple and to-the-point as possible)


    Everyone's life has a center. A defining point; a driving force.

    And guess what???

    I know what it is.
    ...
    Me.
    Not "me" as in me for you, but "me" as in you for you, and me for me.

    So in less-confusing terms, all we want is to make ourselves happy. We don't care about others, and if we do, it's because we're selfish and we want something out of them. Mmk, don't get your pants in a bunch yet. I'll clarify, I promise.
    Naturally, all we care about is ourselves. When we're born, we cry for what we want: nobody has to teach a 2 yr. old to say "NO!" We have to force ourselves to really care about others, and even that gets difficult when it conflicts with what we want.

    'S a true story.

    How does this connect? Well I'll explain.

    __________________________________________________________

    On August 15, 2001, I came to know Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and Lord. It wasn't an emotion-driven decision. I knew what was right, and God opened my eyes to believe. (I could go on about how that happens, but I highly doubt you guys want a lecture on systematic theology right now )

    I'll give you the short version, mmk?

    Since then I've struggled a lot...with self-confidence issues, with anger issues, with pride issues....I could go on. There's quite a list, trust me (or ask Kontzicles if you don't believe me).
    Can I let you in on a secret?

    I.
    Don't.
    Like.
    Me.

    I really don't.

    I'm not the greatest person to be around. (see above list).
     Also, being "me" comes with a whole host of problems.
    I'm not all about finding 'who i am'. See, I know where I am, and I'm currently trying to move somewhere else....to become someone else.

    ("someone else???" you ask; shocked at this new level of identity crisis)

    No. No. Not necessarily someone else, but the person that I was created to be.


    So I struggle to become more like Christ. Everyday. It's work, people. It's not easy being selfless. It's not easy being humble. It's not easy to love the unlovable. It's not easy being green. (err. hehe. Not sure how that got in this list. Ignore it.)

    What I WANT doesn't matter. Who I am doesn't matter.


    I DON'T MATTER.

    Shocking, eh?

    I don't want (mmk well most..a lot..some of the time I don't want) to be the center of my own life. I don't deserve to be the center of my life. I'll just mess up. (true story).

    So, here's something I know a lot of people don't understand about Christianity, [and that is the defining point of my life]....My relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to be LIKE Christ. ((((((Now don't you go into hiding: I'm not about to jump around the corner now with a huge Bible and hit ya'll on the head.)))))))
    I want to glorify God with my whole life.
    No matter where in the world I am or what in the world I'm doing.



    I'm a loving person. I love people...most of the time. Sometimes it's Not-So-Easy when your little sister has this lovely knack for waking up at all sorts of God-forsaken hours (and only on weekends, I might add...weekdays you can't drag her out of bed). *sigh*
     And God has given me love and patience with people that I on my own would NOT be able to deal with. I just want to share that love. It's so deep. So inexpressible. But that's my desire: to express it...to the world.
    Bottom line?

    Jesus is God. He died to save the world. His blood has redeemed me from an eternity in hell. But not only that, but he has gifted me eternity with him, and power and love in this lifetime! ...speaking of amazing!

    I want to shine, see? And me doesn't shine. I really don't. If I was a lighthouse, my windows would be too clouded too let the light through. That's the point. When I can 'get out the way!!!!' those windows are free of all the crap that is me, and the light stands tall: a beacon of hope and warning.

    Goal: For people to look at me and to not see me but to see Christ in me, the hope of glory.



    So there. If you're wondering where I am in 10 years, I'll probably be in some distant corner of the world; buried in some classroom being attacked by little children that really don't want to learn English. And Hopefully I'll be growing more and more, and my light shining brighter and brighter by the day and more people getting to see Christ in me. (AND not killing my students...that'd help)





    PS: All hate mail will be read, regarded, and recycled Have a nice day.

Comments (41)

  • rebootie

    that's a real sweet post...you may not like you ...but i think i like you.........:o)
  • jeremiahstears

    A really good sumatioon of what the life of a christian is.  Keep dying daily.
  • Garistotle

    You may not see it, and you may not like you right now, but there will be a time that comes when you are at peace with yourself, where you do like you. I know this because, in what I have read (including in this post), I like you . And I'm not an easy person to get to like you... (okay, I am, but that's not important).
  • elelkewljay

    wow.
  • MyxlDove

    Wow. That was fantastic. The best part of the post is your realization of the hope in who you are destined to become in Christ. Your light is shining. I can see it in you. And the closer you draw to Him, the brighter it becomes. I love ya, Liz. And I hope that in 10 years when you're resisting the temptation to abuse your students, that we are still corresponding regularly.

    Oh, and for the record... I've liked you from day 1.

  • JadedJanissary

    Ahh, images of you being overrun by khzakistani children will always make me smile. 

  • skylar_rose

    What is most striking about this is your passion behind the words. It transcends the page, and is given meaning in how you've delivered this.

    I'm truly at a loss for words, as there really is nothing to add.

    This is amazing.

    Inspiring.

    Cheers,

    Taylor.

    P.S. This reminded me of another Xangan I read; turbulenz  Check out her page. You might find something that interests you.
  • Kontzicles
    You're alright, kid. We'll keep you around.
  • BarniganFlarn

    Rejecting our own sinful flesh. All part of being a Christian.


    I always find it both funny and disheartening and sad and confusing all at once when non-christians cite christians doing terrible things as their reasoning for not being a christian. Well, of course christians do terrible things. Because we're all sinners. And that is exactly why we need a savior. But at the same time, we should be STRIVING to be like Christ, like you said, to be doing all those good things. Every time someone is distanced from Christ because of our terrible behavior, we have failed at doing this. And of course, it's expected, because we're sinners. But it's also disheartening and sad because we have failed. 
    I guess the most encouraging thing to remember when I am hating "me" for failing to live for Christ is that Christ forgives. He will always re-welcome us into his arms and wipe our dirty slates clean. He never gives up loving us. We matter not because of ourselves, but because Christ sees worth in us. Worth so great he was willing to die for us. Pretty cool, huh?
  • MagisterTom

    You expressed my feelings so well in the beginning of this. I hate myself, but I love what Christ is doing in me. Thanks for sharing this message, I hope all of Xanga sees it!
  • FreeeVerse

    Amen, sistah, amen.

  • justtesting21

    Good stuff.

  • truthletters

    Awesome, I wish I could rec this like 10 more times.


    It needed to be said, so many people don't realize that THAT is the main goal in Christianity--to die. I've been wanting to write something like this, but I couldn't, so I'm glad you did:)
  • DanishDoll

    Jesus! All for Jesus! I love your heart, my dear.
  • Roadlesstaken

    Very interesting.  I definitely learned some new things about you.
  • sky_gel

    Very well said.. To God be the glory! :)
  • IfWallsCouldTalk21
    *hugs*

    wow.


    well Liz, you might not like you, but i happen to think you're a sweetheart.


    we as humans don't ALWAYS act like sweethearts (ok some people don't ever act that way, lol) but i can see in YOU that YOU TRY. that makes a difference.


    *hugs!*

  • scifi_ffish

    amen! :)
  • Kilkennys_Pub

    Great post. No hatemail here. Very nicely written testimony
  • Dare2BDiferentt

    Well, word.
  • lonelywanderer2
    Lots of Love

    You are learning one of the great secrets to a "happy and fulfilled" life.  Learning to put others' interests first.  Like you said, it doesn't come naturally to most of us.  I think you'll do just fine, though.  HUGS

  • FreeeVerse

    I know I am coming back often to your post, but I am just curious to see what people say I hope no one's nasty to you, coz that would make my blood boil. Haha. God bless you!
  • ShamelesslyRed

    Probably the most striking note inside me when I doubt that Christ is still working in my life--cause I do doubt at times--is the fact that I bother myself probably more than I bother anyone else. I see what must change in me. Its a battle that never ends for victory over the parts of me that I hate, and seeing clearly how awful I can really be...there's little room for pride in that place.  then, there is the ability to really love someone--anyone. The love in me that I know is nothing that I could achieve alone--knowing that it's Him in me, loving through me--is the most humbling, overwhelming proof that God is alive and well and still working it all out, one day at a time.
    Thank you for this post. I needed it

  • alayshaj

    wow, i didnt expect this to be a religious post.
  • TheBigShowAtUD

    very nice, Lil Kontz.  i like this.  i think becoming who you want to be begins with realizing that you're not there, at the moment.  who'd change for the better if they thought they were ideal, already?


    keep it up.

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